Scones and Sparrows

I had been experiencing a lot of stress (mostly self inflicted) which was leading to a negative outlook on life, withdrawal from social situations and both hidden and outward panic attacks. I could feel myself slipping into depression. Along with taking medication, my doctors suggested attending an 8 week mindfulness programme. I was sceptical about participating - were the methods used backed by science? Or was it just a new age hippy trend? After talking to some people who had previously completed the programme, I decided that maybe it would be helpful. There was clear research that showed the physical changes in your brain that occur when practicing mindfulness. Maybe this was my way out.

After the first few weeks, the practice did the opposite of what I expected - the depression got worse and really took its toll on me. I think this is because I became really aware of my thoughts through the meditations. We were supposed to be observing our thoughts, not becoming caught up in their stories, but I wasn't in the right place to do that. My thoughts were confronting, confusing and downright terrifying. With the support of an incredible counsellor, I made it through the worst parts of those weeks, coming out the other side with a great sense of appreciation towards what the mindfulness had taught me. I chose to take some time off work because although I was feeling better each day I was utterly exhausted from the experience. I don't like having to justify why I took the time off. My doctor was all too eager to give me a medical certificate and if it were any other illness I would jump at the chance to rest. I find it interesting that even though I've experienced mental illness first hand, I too hold a stigma against it.

I still have so much to learn about being mindful and being kind to myself. Along with practicing on my own everyday, I'm going to attend the mindfulness course again in a few months which I'm really looking forward to. This time I won't be judgemental of my thoughts. I might still find them scary but I know that I will have the strength to observe my thoughts and accept them for what they are.

The following is an email I sent to the coordinator of the mindfulness programme on my first day of sick leave. I was sitting at a cafe eating a scone and watching some sparrows.

These birds are so beautiful I just have to tell you.

I've taken some time off work so I can have a long Easter break and really take time for myself. Its my first day off today and I was so anxious about it a few days ago.

But now I'm sitting at a cafe eating a delicious scone and watching some sparrows. I think for the first time in my life I'm actually 'at the cafe'.

This stuff works. It's changing my life.

Have a great day.

It doesn't really show much when you read it the first time but I'm actually quite emotional looking back. I know that sounds incredibly 'fluffy' and spiritual which is usually not like me at all, I was just so in awe of the calmness I was feeling. The skills I had learnt from practicing mindfulness were having an impact on my everyday life. When I say its the first time in my life I'm actually 'at the cafe' I'm referring to the idea that usually, my mind is elsewhere. I could be having the most delicious meal but I miss all the flavours, the smells and the experience. I'm so used to following my thoughts, thinking about the past or the future, that I miss out on what is happening right here and now in the present moment.