After The Storm

I like the look of the water. I wish I could save the image in my head and be able to look at it whenever I want to. Not like just looking at a photo but actually being there.

Its so peaceful here. The tide is in. The waves are softly rolling. The wind is freezing but I'm warm in my car. There are thousands and thousands of small ripples on the surface. There are so many different shades of blue. I can see dark blue and light blue and if I look closer I see darker blues, lighter blues, green-blues and everything in between. Just when the waves are in a pattern that looks especially pretty, it all changes and starts again. Nothing ever begins. And nothing is ever final. I can see circles radiating outwards where birds are diving underwater. They shimmer in the light. Sometimes the wind picks up and the waves start to rise, sometimes the wind falls still, like a breath is being taken.

Its looks so effortless. It is so effortless.
Its just happening. Its just being.
I want to be like the ocean.

I like that when there's a storm, the waves are turbulent, violent, angry. They are harsh and destructive. But they are just waves. After the storm passes, everything calms down so quickly. It can happen in seconds. One moment there are waves pounding on the shoreline, white water being thrown up into the air, and then it is still. A sense of peace.

An ocean is just an ocean, whether its stormy, calm, high tide or low. I want to be able to say 'they are just thoughts' - positive, negative, judgemental or not, it doesn't have to define who I am.

Being able to accept. The storm happens, it does what it does. The wind calms down and the water slowly moves to and from the sand. Sometimes theres damage to the environment around the beach - the sand banks have moved, maybe trees have blown over in the wind - but the ocean isn't damaged. The ocean can just be.

When something doesn't go the way I expect it or want it to go, I'm often left feeling like the tree thats been blown over. I'm sure lots of people are. Maybe I've forgotten to do a job for someone or realised I've been judging myself negatively all day. I've gone through a storm and I'm left feeling like the trees and the sand. It takes a long time to fix what has been done. I'm not very good at forgiving myself, picking up the pieces and moving on to the next thing. I want to be like the ocean. Accept what has happened. Not by shrugging it off but by observing my thoughts, acknowledging them and saying its ok that they are there. And then go back to being the water. Going with the flow wherever it takes me.

A photo of my boy because he's bloody gorgeous. 

But while I love the ocean, he's absolutely terrified of water!

There Is So Much Going On

There is so much going on. 

I felt totally overwhelmed. The cafe was noisy and not just with sound. Four people were serving at three different tills - how was I supposed to know who to talk to? I could hear the harsh clanging of cups and plates being cleared off tables. The coffee grinder roared as it crushed fragrant beans. Customers bustled in and out of the entrance. Those already seated were slurping their drinks and chewing on crumbly treats. Some were distracted by their cellphones while others were talking loudly to their friends, competing with the rest of the noise. The mirrors along the walls didn't help in the slightest. Every detail I noticed was magnified and multiplied, adding to the busyness.

Even just a few weeks ago, maybe even days, I would have left that cafe before I'd even got through the door. Unless I had someone else with me to focus on, I would have latched on to the racing thoughts, letting them overpower me. Today though, I got to really put my mindfulness skills to the test. I could feel my heart starting to race so I concentrated on my feet. How did they feel sitting in my shoes? I described them to myself in as much detail as I could (in my head - otherwise I really would have looked crazy).

Grounding myself is something that has taken a lot of practice. I still have times when I am completely unable to do it but I got through my lunch at the cafe and managed to enjoy quite a lot of it. I am so proud that I could do that all on my own. My anxiety has never been so bad that I've wanted to stay inside all day but it has had a big impact on the way I behave in social situations. I'm so glad there are things I can do to really make some progress and live my life the way I want.